A Year ago from today….

A year ago today, probably about this time, I laid in bed praying to the Lord. I was desperate for the God-given desires of meeting my husband to come alive, but I struggled with getting in the way. Often I have chosen for myself which has always gotten me in trouble. But this night was different, it was a prayer of surrenderance that was followed by a letter, on here, to my future husband. I didn’t at the time even know really what or why I was writing, I just felt like writing, so I did. Who, other than the Almighty God himself, could have known that the next day, I would meet him….my Husband. David Pino. 

I won’t forget my response to his message that he sent that day. It wasn’t that I knew he was my husband, or that he sent an amazing message through OkCupid, but that I had this unexplainable rush of compassion. I had previously gotten a message from David a few days prior, but thought we had nothing in common lol! So I didn’t that message. Not that I didn’t go back to his profile a few times, but I had convinced myself that he was too opposite. Well, February 28th was the beginning of a very new, exciting chapter. 

We went from meeting online to be married in just a few short months! And I may have not loved every minute, but I have never felt so complete. I love my husband more that I understand love to begin with and I am a better woman by far! because of him! I am one spoiled wife too, let me tell you! We get to work at the same place and have the same hopes, dreams and desires. I wouldn’t say that our first year together has been all flowers and candy, but I can testify to the Lord’s blessings, goodness and bounty! I never would have guessed that I would be where I am today, but I now can’t see myself any where else! 

A lot has happened in this last year… we met, I moved, we married, we traveled from 3 states continuously, we moved together to Colorado, had a wedding, got new jobs, and now….we are pregnant!!! I am 8 weeks and 4 days today! Due October 5th… and we are so excited!!! A little bit of a surprise, but without a few surprises, life just wouldn’t be life! 

I am so grateful…. as I sit here and thinkin of what else is at the tips of my fingers, nothing comes other than, I am grateful. We have an amazing family, a growing community, promising jobs and truly we have a healthy, thriving marriage where are both are learning and growing.. praise God….praise God!

How to be….

I was thinking yesterday that I would love to write a book one day. This is not an aspiration that stirred as a child, but more one that has developed after falling and standing, falling and standing. I am recently married and not sure of what is and isn’t ok to share… my heart yearns to be a hope or a source of experience for others, and believe the Lord uses all we go through…. from getting the wrong kind of toilet paper to a life changing decision that brings life long regret. I do not yet know how to be a wife. 

I longed and dreamed for the time I would be married. I knew that I would be a great Mom; one that would strive to love my children unconditional, that would watch them rise up under the authority of Christ and His love ooze from their every pour. Children that will shout on the mountain tops and give praise in the valleys. Children that know their parents have a Holy fear for our Creator and serve Him passionately and trust Him for everything. This is how I want our generations to follow… so if I am now at the beginning of this new chapter.. I have a goal, I have the future in sight, where does my foot now land?

What a whirlwind these last few months have been. You know the moment of arrival… a place you have been longing to sit or stand on for years and years and the emotions or feeling of accomplishment you wait for..? There. I guess that is what many would call the mountain top… I call it the beginning of a new chapter. With every knew chapter comes hard lessons, more onion being peeled, more closets of the heart to be emptied, new levels of trust and faith required and above all else, more of Christ to be experienced, loved and known. I am, along with my husband, as the beginning of a new chapter. I don’t want to call this chapter “marriage”, that title doesn’t feel like it give the right message, or maybe it is that there is more to this than just marriage. I am still Katrina and he is still David, the one we have become but the two still seek.

Society fools us. The world is full of lies. If we were all to admit to lies that we feel for, we would be overwhelmed at the simplicity, depth and commonacy of each lie.There are the most commonly spoken lies, that we aren’t worthy, we are not the right size, we aren’t good enough… there are often foundational lies that tend to be built upon. Whether a failure opened the door for the first lie to be believed and plastered in a our mind and be the emotion that sits stag net as it controls our movements, or e have convinced ourselves, I believe that ever lie cripples us. The more lies, the more handicap we become. I believed I was unworthy, I lived a life accordingly. I believed that I was too complicated and would never  be accomplished as those around me. I believed my shame was mine to carry and guilt would be my life-long consequence. I believed the lies. 

This whole journey, even from the very first journal entry in November of 2005, I only write what is laid upon my heart, mind and soul. It has weighed heavy for as long as I came remember. Whether because of great, overflowing love or a sense of helplessness, hopelessness or desperation. Maybe some of us are just created with such giant holes that no matter where exactly we are in life, it must be filled to the extreme. I must admit my personality is black and white. I am all or nothing. I am desperate or dead. Maybe we are all created this way, for distinct purpose. I have yet to teeter the fence and not feel dead and guilty. If you taste the Lord’s fruit once, how can you not always crave the goodness? You can squelch only for so long before you as a whole begins to numb. I have been in and out of this for year after year. Maybe there is just depths of me that still are not in full view or reach that drive me or challenge me. Maybe this is why I feel such a complexity about me. I don’t doubt every person has this is as well, but I don ‘t know how many don’t choose a temparirly easier path.. one of ignorance and justified behaviors. I want more because I know there is more. There is more of the Lord to be discovered and more of Him to experience and know.. and there is more in me, more of me. More of me to be given, more of me to be made into His likeness and more of me to be molded and given to my husband. 

I want to be the best wife; I want to be the best daughter; I want to be the best Mom. I want to be the best me. 

 

“For I know the plans that I have for you,” declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.” Jeremiah 29:11

Maybe our captivity is solely the lies that linger like a lion in the night. Maybe our captivity is our own self-defeat. Without Him we are nothing. Without Him we fall, fall and fall. I am at my worst when I am not with Him first. I have craved and battled. I have longed and found. I have been vulnerable and healed. I have cried and been heard. I have seeked and I have found. I have been lost and I have arrived. I have been dead and borough to life. My bones were once dust and I have danced with the Lord. 

I was just remind of the time in Uganda spoke over me…dance. Dance my child with ease and grace. Dance before my throws and angels and those who attend. Dance with purpose and endlessness. Dance with grace from within…dance knowing who I am. 

I have always struggled creating structure for myself. I know one reason why I thrive in community is because of structure. So when I think back to the times of hearing from the Lord, or pushy through spiritual battles and times of total freedom and transformation, all of those reside in community for me. 

I have been sitting here listening to a meditation station on pandora, and this voice came on. It was a guy saying if there is confusion, if there is many paths and not knowing which one to choose, if there is disturbances in your life, if there is challenging relationships, now is the time to pray. He pray…and that is the simplicity of Christ….

Lord, Heavenly Father, You know all the lies before and behind. You know ever stitch in my body. You know every feeling ever felt. You know every thought thought. You know every desire.. why would I believe the lie I am in control? Or that I am the one who knows best for my own life? I no longer want to carry independence for it is now becoming my crutch and downfall. I no longer want to see myself as one, but one who has been untied to be one. I may feel weary but that does not mean that you are weary over me. I may feel helpless but that does not mean you aren’t teaching me. I may feel unequipped but that does not mean you aren’t teaching me. I may feel scared but that does not mean you are not near. I trust your footsteps and those I pray to follow. I trust the husband you have blessed me with, now teach me to trust him. You are the Teacher and I am your student. May my ears be attention and my tongue silenced. May I outstretch and inhale your grace. For who am I…merely flesh and bone holding a soul. I long for more and know there is more… I will not settle. I will not dig my heels in the ground.. give me your grace to speak and do. I long for Your strength. I long to see what You have already instilled in me and strive for more of You. Lord, maybe this chapter of my life is called…Learn. Teach me Your ways oh Lord so that I amy be a glimpse of what hope within is. Take me where I have never been with You or another. Open David and I’s heart to receive each other and You. Lay your will upon our hearts so that we may burn together. Direct our eyes so that we together may see the direction you have for us. Open our ears together so that we may hear You clearly. Bonds us as one..before your throne. Let us see the spiritual battle for what it is. Let us see the true enemy and stand firm. Let us not be swayed by good intentions yet follow the path of faith and life. Let us not waver in faith and play with doubt. Humble me before my husband so that I may serve him all the days of my life. May his heart never need to question or concern yet trust and know. Speak to us loudly Lord and put us at the door. I want to be an interceding wife, mother, child, and daughter. I am only my won worst enemy apart from you… let us not believe the lies. Lord, I claim Jeremiah 29:11… we stand firm on the Rock.. for your are our Life. Put us in the midst of faithful, raw community. Let us not comprise the foundations or purposes. May we learn and live quickly. I pray for Your words to be the first thoughts…first fruits. I ask confidently and boldly knowing You are the I am. For out of desperation comes life… and for us You have Life abundantly. Give us Word and give us hope… daily. Lord may we meditate on your daily…Penetrate us. Oh Lord, we are aliens in this world. Let our home be found and your Name known. In faith, hope and love….I am your child and you are my Father. Seal our hearts and make us one…

You’re Child,

Katrina

wedd1

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My Love

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the day….

tomorrow i marry…. i waited for as long as i can remember for the day to walk down the isle… well, i am not exactly walking down the isle tomorrow, but more standing before the judge, hand in hand with my love, and kneeling to sign. david and i along with our families have decided to legally get married two months before our wedding. there are  a fews reasons for this… some personal but mostly del as though this is what the lord had for us. what in life is normal? and what says that the lord’s order isn’t scene as abnormal the world. from the beginning david and i’s relationship has been unique. one the lord planned specially for david and i. we have not shared a lot with a lot of people, we have kept it very intimate. there has been something irreplaceable about sharing only with family the things laid upon our hearts and all stand in agreement. never did david and i think each other was right around the corner….and never have we felt so caught up in the lord’s see of grace, love and blessings. when i see david’s family, i see the favor the lord has upon my life. when i see david with my family, i know the lord couldn’t be a better father or provider… in all ways. 

there are a few of people who i know feel left out.. know you are on hearts and minds… but this is a very sacred time for david and i.. when again are we going to have the time to be with family… only and be prepared for such a journey and one that starts tomorrow as the lord joins us as one. these last 14 weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions, transitions, trust, faith and wow… i don’t know if i yet possess the words to describe the experience of being right where there lord wants you…hand in hand with you love… the lover of my life. david is my lover…and soon we will experience the kind of intimacy the lord created for two that is beyond anything i have ever experienced.. the greatest gift of all…true love founded by him, for him and through him. i am not be walking down the isle tomorrow, but my heart still stirs the same.

we are having a ceremony still in colorado in august, and for those of you wishing to come.. i am sorry.. you will not be invited. i have done too many things with everyone but my family.. this is our time now. intimately sharing our ceremony over looking the lords creation then a family dinner to follow. i don’t know what i am dreamed of as a child or even in my early twenties for my wedding. i am not sure even if i knew the kind of dress of the flavor of cake or the placement of flowers, or who even would be by my side and better yet who i would be standing before and now as the day has been approaching i am so glad that i was not able to dream this up… it is too good. this is the fairy tale is it not.. fall in love with the man the lord has for me… know his family is now your family and your family is now his family and no other family would compare? what more could be asked for? 

there is something in the journey of growth and transformation with the love of a life that i have never experienced. i have done much alone, me and the lord, and now here we are. hand in hand. what in my life has seemed normal or logical to those who don’t truly know me… well why would that change now? i still am on great adventures just not alone. 

i wish i could express better how much i love my new family.. never did i think about how the lord would prepare me for his family and his family be prepared for me. that is not something i have ever heard talked about or discussed. i knew that the lord would prepare husband and wife for each, but as i was taking to david’s mom, my mom, the other day… of course the lord prepared us for each other. why wouldn’t here. the day i met mary-jane peace came… the doors for relationship were opened wide and i am proud to call her mom. 

i began writing the story of david and i and have yet to finish, but will hopefully do so. it truly is amazing. lol.. even i living it out can hardly believe how crazy the lord is at times! 

we have not made is public about our “wedding” tomorrow. it is just parents and close family that is joining us and know that we are not hiding… we are trusting and cherishing. i know that some question us, and please feel free to post and ask me questions. i no longer walk in shame and couldn’t image my life without david. he truly is the most amazing man. i have never been so well taken care of and loved as he loves me. i have been prepared for such a time as this.. to walk along side david and support him in his dreams and desires. i have lived out my whimsical desires, but buying passions and years of carelessness, but now the time has come! i get to walk along side my lover and support, love, encourage, and take care of. wow, what an honor. 

i plan on continuing to blog and hopefully more so. i love the idea that my rants and rambles give hope. please pray for david and i as we are yet to know what lies around the corner for us. pray for the lords favor like never before. pray for community, strong sources and a marriage that honors, blesses and magnifies that lord. pray that together we conquer demons and sing with angels. pray that we may be a light and continue to grow. pray that we would never settle, but always strive and rest in the peace and hope of christ. pray that we honor, love and cherish each other as the lord does the church. pray i learn to be the kind of wife the lord has created me to be and that i won’t settle for anything less. pray for david that he will grasp everything the lord has for him. that many will see the favor of the lord upon him. pray that his passions and dreams come true.. this very moment. pray that he will be molded and transformed, also, into the kind of husband christ as created him to be. i pray that we never take for granted our families; that we may only grow. and please pray that when the obstacles come, we will always first fall on our knees… hand in hand. thank you so much… 

katrina louise

The Core

I am broken… my core is being exposed and…..silently pushed into surrenderance. The many wounds that have been carried and buried are not roaring their heads to not go unseen.

I laid in bed for hours this morning in dead silence at the realization of my brokenness..the gaping wounds that I begged to wish away now stand between me and freedom. Never did I realize the years of buildup of anger, frustration, lack of trust in others and myself and the years of desperation to be loved would build this giant wall of shame, regret, shame and pain. I hate these walls….though I may be away I have not been given strength alone to tear them down. I do not wish to be sitting here in this state that I find myself in, but I do wish to have a future filled with hope, love, laughter, joy and peace. I am now facing what stands between me and the future the Lord has for me…freedom.

When I decided to go to Uganda, it was out of such deep desperation. Everything had become clouded and the things I once loved I no longer had time or energy for. I had given up on “finding God” in the states, and I believe because of His prompting and provision, I found myself in the silence of Uganda. In returning to the states…I found myself silently processing what the Lord had just done. Never really opening up about that time spent with Him fully, I am now looking back and realizing how much He was preparing me for such a time as this. I sit here now, computer, keyboard and exposed wounds knowing that for such as time as this He has brought me from and prepared me for… healing and growth.

I was faced last night with the realization that I no longer know how to trust. I have avoided all kinds of commitment and long-term exsposer for my whole life… I have avoided being put in positions that may tie me down or fully open without an open door to dash through. I am almost 28 years old and have never committed to love or to being loved….Lord forgive me. This grieves me and my own heart. The layers have been continuously peeled back till as I sit here now… in this very moment realizating what it is that the Lord is doing. He is allowing me to see these wounds.. face the fears so that I may pour out love.

I have been experiencing intense anxiety and fear over the last few months. When I reached this land.. I was completely different from when I left it, but even now only a few short months after returning, I see myself in the fire of refinement. The desire is there and the willingness, and now the Lord is requiring what I have avoided, vulnerability. I truly have failed most relationships due to the fact that I believed I would never being to let go and be free within one. I am not sure if this come from years of pain and let down or regret or if a build is up of lies over the years and Satan’s attempt to shove me in a corner to face fear alone; his attempt to conquer. I have fought him and battled him and watched and heard the Lord be my forever Defender, Lover and Savior, but now is the time for my action to be fueled by desire and unwillingness to give up. I lack the eloquent words for this release, maybe because I no longer have anything to hide behind, and this is not a quick fix to a temporary emotion or situation. This, as no different for any others, is my desperation for freedom, to fully love and be loved. To continue in the journey on this earth with my Lord to the fullest.

I remember my childhood best friends Mom often: Teri. Teri I called Mom for years and she taught my more in her years on this earth with me that almost daily I still reflect on her love for the Lord and for me as her, as she referred to me, adopted daughter. There was this known freedom with her. A freedom to be the child God created me as, and yet the boundaries were clear. I knew that her touch was never far and always pure. I believe it was around the time that she became sick with cancer when I was 16 years old that anger began to dig deep roots. Over the years I only became harder and more deteremined to be in control so that I may never not only be exposed but also but put in a position to really been seen. I can look back now and see the many mask that were the attempts to hide and create a life… a life that I would never wish upon another living soul. I was so desperate still for love, because The Great Almighty created each for the out pouring of love, that I would manipulate situation to where I could still love and be loved, but only to comfortable depths. I believe was all do this, I see it so often in the church, but years later, even after years of healing and freedom, along with countless hours of counseling, the Lord reveals there is more. I believe this is where hope comes in… there is always more of Him and we must be emptied out to experience and know more of Him. I am desperate for him. But my lack of ability to allow others in only certain depths can only be a reflection of my walk with Him as well. When we are fully immersed in Him we can’t help but glow His glory… speak His name and crave to be in His presence and others as well to experience the same with Christ. I am such a selfish person that I can’t only allow certain types of love to flow and be accepted. Though I have taken many risks in my life.. I have yet to really risk at all… love.

As the man I will marry stands before me… am I going to take the biggest risk of my life and risk all I have? Will I present before Him all the Lord has cleaned and restored? Will I allow to him to see all the wounds, scars and raw parts? Will I be willing to lay down all… just as the Lord is teaching me? It is the picture of a child running to the cross arms full and bags of all the past dragging behind.. so desperation to just touch His hand and let go and finally realizing that she is all that is required… and that the rest my be let go of the cross as the Lord sweeps us off our feet to hide us in the depths of His wings only to whisper love… the only Love that has and will ever exist.. for He is love.

I am going into unknown territory. I feel it too.. there is a verge of hope and still a couple fingers wrapped around the known.. but I know that He has me on this journey. Nothing in my life is without His hand in it.. I believe that comes from being in His hands and knowing I am His…but also by faith. I am not going to give up this fight on this earth… as Ephesians 6 talks about… the war is not against flesh and blood…. I no longer want to fight against myself. Fully exposed to the unknown… this is where I believe I will begin to soar. I want to love recklessly, not live recklessly. I want to stand before my future husband whole… not just parts, not in hiding, but whole representing Christ to the fullest… whole, free loving and in love… giving what I have been given by Him.. a future and a hope.  

I love that He allows and gives grace… because I am a living example of one who has needed much graced and received all though I deserved none. My heart is being to beat at the thought of my core being exposed… and this is the journey. My layers have been peeled back and peeled back. Now that the hard outer shell has been removed and the next chapter is approaching the Lord is healing and preparing. I have seen this over and over again in my life as the Lord carries me through… He divine healing and molding that is not with the pain of the process and extreme trust and faith. I had written while in Uganda that I hate this obedience required so much of me, it was around the time the Lord asked me to cut my dreads. The more I walk with the Lord, the more I realize that it is not that He requires so much per say… but all. The Lord really refined and matured me while away from this land. It was a pure time for me in a lot of ways. Sitting on a mattress on the floor, alone… and exactly where I was supposed to be. He was teaching me trust, faith, consistency, vulnerability. He was laying the foundations to my life. I realize this foundations will always continue to be laid and made as long as I am on this earth with my Savior. Without those foundations, I would not be where I am today. But where I am today is a place that is yet again alone with Him. I may not be understood by a soul, but I have been given the chance to know and be His love in a deeper way than ever before. I may not feel the need to explain much to many, as I know I have frustrated many because of that.. but there is something so intimate about sharing this life with those that see beyond flesh and the Lord giving me this opportunity to share what really matters… Him and Him alone. This truly is my life exposed to the fullest as I write blog after blog. This is who I am.. no matter how I may be see from one aspect to another.. I care to share and love to share this part of my life.. my personal walk to truth and driven be desperation to know Him more and be known. I am ready to allow trust to be a daily part of my life.. to allow David the parts of me that the Lord has been restoring and protecting for him and him alone. I am ready to be refined in this fire so that I may be fully pure and standing upon a firm foundation walking into my marriage.

Praise the Lord for His unending love.. Praise the Lord for divine timing and incomprehendable patience and faith in each one of us.

 

“If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaky of a rusty gate.

If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, ‘Jump,’ and it jumps, but I don’t not love, I’m nothing.

If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I do not love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut. Doesn’t have a swelled head, Doesn’t force itself on others, Isn’t always, ‘me first,’ Doesn’t fly off the handle, Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others. Doesn’t revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trust God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end.

Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.

And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is LOVE.”

1 Corinthians 13

The Message

Long overdue… March 21st, 2012

“I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me the strength, that he considered me faithful, appointing me to his service. Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecuter and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbeliev. The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that in Christ Jesus. Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full accecptance : Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners-of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy that so in me, the worst of sinners, Chist Hesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe in him and recieve eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immoratal, invisible, the only God, be honory and glory for ever and ever. Amen.” 1Timothy 1:12-17

I was brought to once again another startling, unlying truth… the bondage fo fear that lingers and creeps it’s way in to the areas of my life that are meant to be the most free. I stand in anger as the grips that I have hand the the worst who desires most to see me destroyed. I fight agains the urge to run.. I fight against the urge to sabatoge and give up… I fight against the urge of disbelief. I fight against fighting against myself… killing the very spirit filled with joy and love that was the ulitmate sacrifce’s gift. This is the constant battle… life verses death.. on this earth.. in my very soul and being.

In the dark valleys my sould has rested… though there have been many mountains and views, hopes and passions.. often my soul glides down to a place of dispear and unworthiness, Taken from the love, which is truly an umbilical cord of life… I find myself wondering in my own mind.. it is here that I am my own worst enemy. In such desperation for Him and truth.. I get lost in the inability to self perfect and perform… and there my heart begins to heart the the idea of being able to receive love. This has represented the abilities of my own to love… my block the past has created now is the wall seperating me from others. Because I have yet to daily allow Him to fill me with His love.. I have believed it impossible for others to love me as well. Though me see my untaunted, I feel stained still. This is the life process that I have to dwindle down to this.. peace to day, rest for tomorrow, hope for the future. Though I see every flaw and imperfection.. His patience nevers runs dry. Though the man I love stands before me, I will force against the instinct to turn my head in shame as I look back over my shoulder at the past. There is not reason why this process, this cycle has to continue and there is no reason why I should continue to shove myself in a corner to only fight the endless, defying battle on my own.

Can I really throwing away continously the gifts given!? Can I keep denying myself love? Can I keep sheltering the very wounds sufficating me? I don’t want to carry these any more Lord.. I crave for Your love and truth. Bring peace to these dry bones… I no longer want to cycle in shame, guilt, fear and dark desperation. Give to me what the devil has stolen.. bring into what my hand has shoved away. Help me to surrender it all.. the seen and unseen, the known and unknown. Lord, flow through me.. let me love! Forgive me for assuming the worst of You… I pray for Your word to be written apon me heart and cancel out all lies that are engraved.

“You did it: you changed wild lament into whirling dance; you ripped off my black mourning band and decked me with wildflowers. I’m about to burst with song; I can’t keep quiet about you. God, my God, I can’t thank you enough.” Psalm 30:11-12

There is a new chapter beginning to fill the pages of this life… let me not be led astray by the croushing emotions and vague whispers of darkness. I choose life and to see, live and be life.. I lift up him to you and us… Deepen us like you never have before. May our love be as pure as your eyes… our hearts overflowing and your sea of forgiveness. Lord, I crave to stay pure…transparent.

“Jesus looked at them and said, ‘With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26

May those who look apoibn me see you seep from my being. May nothing in my own flesh give off a bad taste, Teach my your ways… oh Lord. I crave you. My Jesus, my God!

Feb. 27th

Dear Future Husband,

I have waited long for you….my heart urns for you. I feel as though you are right around the corner..that your breathe is within my reach.  The years have continued to pass as I have waited and wished for you. I have cried out for you and wept in you silence. There has been a lot that has happened that I have wished you to be a part of and even more that I am longing for us to be hand in hand walking through. This life has not been easy love…. I think that is why we have not been placed in each others lives yet.. God is still washing me to be purely white for you.  I have dreamed of our wedding day.. not so much of the details of the flowers, the chairs.. maybe not even the location.. but your eyes. Your eyes are what I think about when I think about our wedding day. Will there be tears of joy….. years of building joy, falling down your face like mine? Will your hands be sweating with excitement and your heart racing to begin the journey with each other.. even ready to lay in bed all day.. looking and studying each other and what incredible creation God has made.

My Love… this has not been easy.. my path in getting to you has been so long and so hard. I have failed at times. I have fallen often and at times even refused to stand. I at times gave up hope and lost all sight. I believed that our day wouldn’t come and that you never existed.. Forgive me for not choosing you other the others. Forgive me giving up on you and myself so many times. I believe that the Lord has also been preparing you for me and me for you. I was made and created a hopeless romantic who has hope… and one day.. you will read this and one day I will say  “yes”.

What do you look like.. will we begin with hours of connecting and knowing my heart created for you has now found it’s home? Will my hand slide into yours and the butterfly’s always continue to dance? Will our first place be only to our own pride? I still have a rib waiting.. Come to me soon.. me heart is burning for you.

 

Yours To Be….

Katrina Ann Louise

January 23rd 2012

I feel lost and yet exactly where I am suppose to be.  I struggle daily with how I am suppose to be a follower and not a hypocrite. You know when you feel like your skin is just as stained and filthy and we are suppose to be representing the glory and beauty of Christ. I have yet lived in this society and daily surrender outside of a community that also was just as desperate. I don’t know how to not sit down with the sick and dieing and yet I am suppose to sell them a phone with all the features.. then pocket the money. This is so backwards for me. This pulls at heart strings daily. So much effort, time and energy going into learning about objects that will soon dissipate. I am grateful, please hear and know this. And I know that God provided that job specifically for me and this chapter of me life.. but Lord, let me not fall. I do not want to walk away with regrets or missed opportunities. .  no one is perfect.. this I do know.. but Lord.. this is so hard. I hate working for a pay check that consumes my mind 8 hours a day.. and the only way to justify learning the most useless crap.. Lord help me…. I love You Lord.. help me see beyond this present moment and fuel this fire. I love You Hubby… Your bride.. Katrina Louise

January 15th 2012

here I am. As I come before the Lord in this moment, even as I write, all I can say is here I am. Lord, in Your perfect peace You hide me under Your wing. No hair has gone untouched by You, let alone the wounds that have carried and buried. I speak without reserve in not a desperation as I have in the past, but my heart and soul cry out for You. You are the Light at the end of my tunnel. You are the Joy behind the giggles.. You are the Hope in the morning. You are the Salve to my wounds and the Healer to my brokenness. What other Name can be spoken that cures, comforts, restores, and blankets in peace. I may run, ignore, silence or try and hide, but how can I deny… You are my everything. My heart yearns and my flesh fights. this battle between it and me.. my soul and my flesh it a battle that requires Your strength and might.

I think about Your disciples, those closest to You oh Lord and how I would have loved to sit on the mountain side and watch You teach. To hear the parables from Your mouth.. the Voice given by the One and Only God. What would I have thought? How would I have felt when you talked to prostitutes?Maybe as if You were talking to me.. the lest of the lest.. and yet Your touch has healed. Who I am to receive that touch. To reach out to Your hem.. and know in that moment nothing will ever be the same again. How many times in my life how I wanted everything to be different? Countless times I have cried to be pulled from my pit.. the pits of despair and lost? How many times have I felt so lost and misunderstood? How many times did I feel I was the only one on this earth that had walked the same soil., but the more I get to know You.. the more I realized that the ground You walked on was even less forgiving. When I finally still my heart and stop the racing thoughts, I feel this Peace. This Peace that comes from One who has walked the same path as the brokenhearted, wounded and abandoned. One who understand temptation in a personal way that I can never fathom and a heart this is beyond our physical comprehension.

Lord, You see me now. You know what is going on in my heart and my little world. You know this battle because You already fought it for me and want me now, as Your child to walk through the battle ground of the battle already won with You. I ask that You will guide my every foot step.. but faith is knowing that You are already doing so.. I just must rest and trust in Your times of silence and stillness You just want me to know You more. You take me only places that You have been before. May I get beyond myself.. I don’t want to walk in a crippling fear. I don’t want to be disillusioned. I don’t want the veil over my eyes or ears. Let me hear You and not be swayed like the trees, but rooted. Thank You Lord for the journey that You created just for me and that there is no place You are not. Thank You for giving me the choice to choose You.. I love to choice You.. help me daily to do so. Minute by minute You have given me choices.. let me choose You. Be my everything… You are my everything. Continue to bring to life the dry bones and never cease to restore. I love You my Heavenly, Beautiful, Perfect Father. Amen